Hakuna Matata, Harry...
by Grommetik
Summary: A (small and irritating) collection of spoofs involving the Harry Potter characters. if you haven't watched the Lion King or the Little Mermaid, you won't get this. R/R...
1. Rivers of mead and burning toasters

Author's note: I am insane. No, really. I mean it.

HAKUNA MATATA HARRY

DUMBLEDORE: Asanta sanya squash banana! Weeooo weoo weeooo!

HARRY: Professor, shut up!

DUMBLEDORE: Sorry Harry.

HARRY: Why did you call me up to your office?

DUMBLEDORE: Because you are a baboon…and I'm not!

HARRY: What?

DUMBLEDORE: I mean, come this way.

(He leads Harry out to a plain covered in grass and clouds and whatnot.)

HARRY: Why do you have a countryside in your office professor?

DUMBLEDORE: Never mind that. What matters is…your past (oooooh.)

HARRY: The past? 

DUMBLEDORE: Ah yes, the past can hurt.

HARRY: What? (Suddenly Dumbledore smacks him across the head) OW! Jasus! What was that for!

DUMBLEDORE: It doesn't matter! It's in the past!

HARRY: Look, you're being very strange professor Dumbledore and I really would like to leave right now. Where's Ron? Ron! Help!

(Suddenly the clouds move into the shape of James' head. Harry screams.)

JAMES: Hello son.

HARRY: Dad?

JAMES: yes, yes, it's me. James. Your dad.

HARRY: Yes, I…know. Um. You're dead.

JAMES: yes it's a bit of a shit really, but, ah, well I suppose it's worked out for the best, really.

HARRY: the best? My godfather's on the run from the law, the most evil wizard in the history of wizardkind has risen again, the minister for magic has a gherkin thrust up his backside, and I live with muggles! What do you mean, the best?

JAMES: Uh. Good point, Harry, good point. But the main thing is…you have a great amount of money.

HARRY: yeah, but I don't have any parents to spend it on me. Instead I've got a shit of an aunt and uncle.

(Lily's head appears in the clouds next to James'. Harry screams again.)

LILY: Watch your language, Harry.

HARRY: good Christ!

JAMES: hehehe. That's my boy.

LILY: James! Don't encourage him. I suppose he gets it from that Weasley boy.

HARRY: What's going on here? Why are there's people's heads in clouds?

JAMES: We were called here, Harry.

LILY: Yes. By you. We know you're unhappy. So we've come to tell you that, if we were alive, then you would be happy.

HARRY: Great. Thanks a bunch mum. I'll just go hang myself then, shall I?

JAMES: Aw, he sounds just like his Uncle Remus. All depressed and suicidal.

LILY: James! 

JAMES: Right, right, sorry (Ahem) YOU MUST AVENGE MY DEATH LARRY. I MEAN, HARRY.

HARRY: Um…how?

JAMES: Sorry, what was that?

HARRY: How? I mean…Voldemort killed you. How am I supposed to kill _him?_

JAMES: Um. Harry- I AM YOUR FATHER.

HARRY: We've been over this. I know.

JAMES: Right. In that case- YOU ARE MY SON-

HARRY: Oh, bloody hell

JAMES: -AND THE ONE TRUE KING.

HARRY: Of what?

JAMES:…HOGWARTS.

HARRY: really?

JAMES: NO. I just felt like saying that. Hehehehe…

HARRY: Good Christ. What a dipshit.

LILY: Sorry, sweetheart. He's usually much less dipshitty. He's been getting into the mead again.

HARRY: how can he drink mead? He's dead!

JAMES: Ah ha, but in heaven, there are rivers of mead! Sirius would like it. Send him up here, son.

HARRY: What, you mean kill him?

JAMES: Hm. No.

LILY: Look, the point is, Harry, that even though we're dead we love you very much.

JAMES: yes. And you are my son, and the one true-

LILY: No he isn't.

JAMES: Hee hee! This is fun! Let's go and appear to Sirius.

LILY: We have to anyway, to tell him we left the toaster on. Remember?

JAMES: Ooh, good point. I hope our house isn't burnt down. Come to think of it, I could really go for some toast right about now. And mead.

LILY: (Sighs disgustedly) Harry, how are you sweetheart?

HARRY: Extremely confused.

LILY: See? Look what you've done now! He'll be traumatised and go and hang himself.

JAMES: Good! Then he can come and drink mead with me and frolic with the dead centaurs!

LILY: (sighs again) Sorry about this darling.

HARRY: No problem. Seamus is always boasting about how much mead his dad can drink. Now I can say that my dad drinks more.

JAMES: Ha ha ha! Damn straight!

LILY: Bye Harry. We love you.

HARRY: Bye. I, um, love you too?

JAMES: Damn straight!

(They disappear. Dumbledore comes and smacks Harry over the head again.)

HARRY: Argh! I don't care if you ARE my headmaster, I'm going to hex you!

RON: Hey, Harry, what are you doing up here?

HARRY: Ron! Finally, didn't you hear me yelling before?

RON: Sorry, I was kicking Malfoy's arse. Hehehe. That was cool- uh, hey, is it just me or did a giant head just appear in the clouds?

DARTH VADER: Harry-(breathe) I AM-(breathe) YOUR FATHER-(breathe) AS WELL AS-(breathe) LUKE'S FATHER( breathe).

RON: Woah! Wild!

HARRY: Oh, good CHRIST!

DUMBLEDORE: Ooher.


	2. Avada Kedavra (it's a wonderful phrase)

****

AVADA KEDAVRA (It's a wonderful Phrase)

__

SCENE: In the Goblet of Fire. Harry is tied to the gravestone of Voldemort's father, and Voldemort is telling his story. Sung to the tune of "Hakuna Matata", from the Lion King.

VOLDEMORT: Avada kedavra…What a wonderful phrase.

PETER: Avada Kedavra, watch and be amazed!

VOLDEMORT: It means sayonara, or the end of your days

BOTH: It's out problem free curse wepaonryyyyy! Avada Kedavra.

(Musical Interlude…)

VOLDEMORT: Why, when I was a young wizard…

PETER: When he was a young wiz-AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRD!

VOLDEMORT: I found there were people I just couldn't stand, I wanted them to die, die at my hand

PETER: He was a psychotic lad…though he seemed quite sane

VOLDEMORT: And it hurt, when they thought it was I that was to blame- And OH, the shame!

PETER: He wasn't ashamed!

VOLDEMORT: It brought me honour and fame!

PETER: Ooooh, tell us more!

VOLDEMORT: And I got quite mad

PETER: Pschotically mad!

VOLDEMORT: when I met my Daaaaaaaad!

Avada kedavra! I killed him stone dead! Avada Kedavra, there were just things that had to be said!

So you see it's not my fault, not my fault that I'm insaaaaane!

BOTH: His father ran awaaaaay, oh he rues the day! Avada kedavra!

VOLDEMORT: One more time!

BOTH: Avada Kedavra, what a wonderful phrase, Avada Kedavra, ain't no passing craze!

HARRY: It means sayonara, or the end of my days!

(VOLDEMORT: Oh, yeah, sing it kid.)

ALL: It's our problem free, curse weaponry…Avada kedavra!


	3. Just bloody Kiss the Girl, all right?

Author's note: Oh my. This is very odd. Thanks to Beccy-Shmagecky for the inspiration. The song is to the tune of "Kiss the Girl" form Disney's "the Little Mermaid."

KISS THE GIRL, DAMMIT

(It's James and Lily's first date, and James thought it would be romantic to take Lily out onto the roof of Gryffindor Tower to look at the stars and…talk. Unfortunately, things have gotten a bit awkward and both are sitting there uncomfortably, wondering how to start a conversation. Meanwhile, Sirius, Remus and peter are watching from a library window through Sirius' binoculars.)

PETER: What do you see, lads? Are the Myknockers working?

SIRIUS: (sighs disgustedly and turns to Peter) First of all, _Peter_, they're _binoculars._ Second of all, stop calling us "lads." We're not you're lads and we never will be.

PETER: (mutters) Sorry, Sirius…

REMUS: Nothing's…happening!

SIRIUS: Let me see- (grabs binoculars) Oh my god, you're _right! _What the hell does James think he's doing?

REMUS: Yeah! He just looks kind of awkward and scared. 

SIRIUS: We've _got_ to put a stop to this!

PETER: I know what to do! (He clears his throat, cups his hand to his mouth and yells across the grounds.) OY! JAMES! KISS HER! KISS! KISS HER NOW! KI- OW!

(Furious, Sirius slaps Peter across the head. James slaps himself on the forehead.)

LILY: Was someone just yelling at you then?

JAMES: I…didn't hear anything. (To himself: _Peter you stupid git!_)

SIRIUS: peter, you stupid git! We'll never get anything done _that_ way. (He turns to Remus) Moony—I think you know what we have to do.

REMUS: (looks blank, then realization dawns. Oh, are you talking about--? (Sirius nods firmly.) Oh, jeez, I dunno, Sirius…I mean, remember what happened last time with the…Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey incident?

SIRIUS: (shudders involuntarily) I thought we agreed never to discuss it again. Besides, this is _really_ important! We have to do it for the good of James, and Lily, and Marauders, and…puppies! Think of the puppies, Remus, will you do it for the puppies? 

REMUS: What puppies?

SIRIUS: Think of James, Moony, you know he'd do it for you.

REMUS: What, sit watching my first date from the library? I should bloody well hope not! Forget it. Let them handle it on their own.

SIRIUS: You know I can't permit myself to do that. It goes against every fibre of my being! No! I MUST interfere, so that things will work out the way I want them to!

REMUS: (rolls eyes) I _know._

SIRIUS: So you know how I feel! (Draws his wand) It is time for us to rise up and make sure James scores! But first…we need to set…the mood. (He conjures up a set of bongo drums) Percussion…

REMUS: Oh, Sirius, no…

SIRIUS: (louder) ahem, _Percussion._ (Remus, rolling his eyes, takes his place at the bongo drums.) Strings! (Sirius conjures up a self-playing violin) Wind! (He conjures up a clarinet and gives it to Peter. He then clears his throat.) Words…

PETER: Oooher. I'm not so sure about this Sirius.

SIRIUS: Shut up, Peter! You can do back up! (He then launches into song) _There you see her, sitting there on the roof. Don't you think that she's aloof, cause there's something about her. And I know why you're dyin' to try you wanna – kiss de girl!_

PETER: Ya ya y- OW! (Sirius has slapped him on the head again.)

SIRIUS: Not YET, idiot! (Continues singing.) _Yes, you want her. Hell, half of Hogwarts do-_

PETER: ya y- ow! (Sirius slaps him across the head again and he shuts up.)

SIRIUS and REMUS: _She's a pretty stokin babe, so why don't you ask her? _

PETER: Ya y- ow! (Sirius slaps him again.)

SIRIUS: Not _yet!_

SIRIUS and REMUS: _It don't take a word, not a single word, Just go on and kiss de girl! _SIRIUS_: _(spoken) Sing with me now!

REMUS: Who're you talking to?

(Suddenly, the windows of Gryffindor tower fly open and all the Gryffindor students stick their heads out.)

ALL: _Sh la la la la la, my oh my, looks like the boys too shy, ain't gonna- Kiss de girl! Sha la la la la la, ain't that sad, ain't it a shame- too bad, he's gonna miss de girl…._

(James slaps himself on the forehead as he hears the singing.)

JAMES: Dammit, Sirius!

LILY: James…do you hear something?

James: Me? No, nothing, I don't hear a thing. (He spots Sirius and cuts a finger across his throat, in the "you're dead" signal. Sirius merely grins and gives him a thumbs up. James sighs, then decides it may work to his advantage. He yawns and stretches his arms casually so that one arm falls on Lily's shoulder.)

LILY: I know what you're doing.

JAMES: Oh. (takes his arm away.)

LILY: I didn't say stop. (James grins andputs his arm back around her.)

SIRIUS and REMUS: (singing again) _Now's your moment. Hey, you know that you want to- _

(Sirius slaps peter across the head.)

PETER: What? I didn't do anything!

SIRIUS: _Now_, you stupid git!

PETER: Oh. Ya ya ya ya…

SIRIUS and REMUS: _Boy you better do it soon, or you can just forget her_

PETER: _Ya ya ya…_

SIRIUS and REMUS: _Don't try to be slow, cos you want her so you gotta- kiss de girl!_

ALL: _Sha la la la James, don't be scared, we got the mood prepared, you gotta- kiss de girl! Sha la la la, James, don't be a bore, we wanna see you score, so go on and kiss the girl!_

DUMBLEDORE: (who has been watching the whole time from behind Sirius and Remus and peter) _Woah, woah!_

ALL: _Sha la la Lily, don't be mean, he's a sex machine, he wants to- kiss you girl!_

PETER: _Yah, yah, yah, yah yaaa!_

DUMBLEDORE: _Woah, woah!_

ALL: _Sha la la la guys, listen to the tune, you gotta do it soon, you gotta- kiss de girl!_

DUMBLEDORE: _Woah, woah!_

ALL: _Sh la la la la, you got us out of bed, got this song in our head, you gotta- kiss de girl!_

DUMBLEDORE: _Woah, woah!_

ALL: _Sh la la, If nothing happens soon, we're gonna kill you two, you gotta- kiss de girl! Sha la la lala, we wanna see some action, some great attraction, you gotta- kiss de girl!_

DUMBLEDORE: _Woah, woah!_

ALL: _Sh la la la, do it now, don't stop now, you gotta- kiss de girl!_

DUMBLEDORE: _Woah, woah!_

ALL: _Kiss de girl…_

JAMES: Look, Lily, normally I wouldn't do this with Sirius, Remus and Dumbledore watching but the song's pretty catchy.

ALL: _Kiss de girl…_

LILY: Yes, I know. I don't think we have any choice really.

ALL: _Kiss de girl…_

JAMES: So, er…do you mind?

ALL: _Kiss de girl_…

LILY: Not at all. (She leans closer, but James promptly start singing)

JAMES: _Sh la la la la, Lily it's true, I gotta thing for you, I wanna- kiss you girl!_

LILY: Oh god.

JAMES: _Sha la la la la, will I get hit, even just a little bit, if I- kiss you girl?_

DUMBLEDORE: _Woah, woah!_

LILY: _Can we go to dorm, this really isn't the norm, for all to watch you- kiss the girl!_

ALL: _Oh, no!_

JAMES: _Sha la la la, I see your point, even if they don't, but I gotta- kiss you girl!_

ALL: _Woah, woah!_

LILY: _Sha la la la, for the love of god, you stupid clod, I can't really- kiss you now!_

ALL: _Oh, no!_

JAMES: _Sha la la la, I'm into you, and that's the truth, I'd like to- kiss you girl!_

ALL: _Go, go!_

LILY: _Sha la la la, if it will shut you up, before we get stuck, then you can- kiss the girl!_

ALL: _Woah, woah!_

JAMES: Well, in that case- (they kiss, finally. The Gryffindors cheer and then all close their windows.)

SIRIUS: Huzzah! I am the greatest!

DUMBLEDORE: Well done, boys. Ah, young love. One of the truest forms of magic. (wipes a tear from his eyes.)

REMUS: Now can we got to _bed_?

PETER: Ooher, I agree Sirius, we're not supposed to be up. We'll get into trouble.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh for heavens sake, lad, why don't you grow some balls, you little wimp? (shakes heads and clears throat suddenly, as though shaking himself out of a reverie.) Please excuse me, I…don't know what came over me.

SIRIUS: (open mouthed) Woah! Way to go, sir!

DUMBLEDORE: (pleased) Why thank you, Mr. Black. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more coupling to do this night. I believe Mr. Longbottom has also taken a young lady on a date. 

(Sirius grins, and opens his mouth to say something but Remus punches him in the stomach.)

REMUS: don't even _think_ about it.

SIRIUS: Ooher!

Oh my, that sucked more than anything has ever sucked before, and may we never speak of it again.


	4. What's with all the Lion King spoofs?

****

Sirius Vents.

__

Sung to the tune of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" from the Lion King.

SCENE: It is after dinner at Hogwarts and the common room is gradually filling up with happy, full Gryffindors. Most people are settling down to do homework or read or whatever in front of the fire. Everything is peaceful and lovely. Suddenly, the castle starts to shake with the big booming angry steps of…

SIRIUS: ARRRRRRGGHH!!!! (He slams his way into the common room angrily, stops, and yells to the ceiling. I HATE SNAPE SO MUUUUUUCCH!!!

(There is a pause where everyone kind of exchanges glances, and then gets back to whatever they were doing.)

SIRUS: (grabs a passing first year) Do you hear me? I hate him! HATE HIM!

FIRST YEAR: Aaaah! D-Don't hurt me!

(Lily and James, who have been upstairs, happen to walk down into the common room at that moment. They pause as they see Sirius in fits of rage and exchange a glance.)

LILY: Hmmm.

JAMES: Oh dear.

LILY: he's _your_ friend.

JAMES: Yeah. Funny that.

REMUS: He had an encounter with Snape, I think.

LILY: Remus? Wherd' you coem from?

REMUS: …??? I…don't know…

JAMES: Oh dear. That's…so odd.

LILY: Well, he's _your_ friend.

JAMES: I _know_. (He looks back to where Sirius is now ripping apart a cushion with his teeth.) I'd better see to this.

(he sidles down to where Sirius is and gently wrests the cushion from him.)

JAMES: there there padfoot old chap. Tell Uncle Jim what's the matter.

SIRIUS: I don't _have_ an Uncle Jim. JUST AN ENORMOUS DESIRE TO KILL SNAPE!

James: No, what I meant was- never mind. What did Snape do _now_?

SIRIUS: Well! You'll never guess! I was coming out the Hall, right?

JAMES: uh huh…

SIRIUS: And I happened to see him in front of me…

JAMES: Mmm hmm

SIRIUS: So of course I just did a bit of a hex on him. I didn't _know_ he was so afraid of fire. If I _knew_ he was going to start screaming like that, then I wouldn't have set fire to his hair!

JAMES: (wearily) Sirius…

SIRIUS: I know! What a freak he is! So of course he called McGonagall over, and she took off twenty points. And then- this is the worst part-

JAMES: (holding the bridge of his nose) Go on then.

SIRIUS: McGonagall walks off, and Snape- he really did this- he turns around, and then, and _then_- he _smirked _at me.

JAMES: He didn't.

SIRIUS: he _did_. And you know the worst part- (by the time James, Lily and Remus are all giggling, so he stops.) What?

REMUS: Sirius, you're an absolute prat.

SIRIUS: yeah. So?

REMUS: You- never mind. (Sirius rolls his eyes and settles back into the couch, clenching his fists.)

SIRIUS: Man, I hate him. I really, really hate him.

JAMES: We know. I hate him too.

SIRIUS: But James you don't get it. I like, really really _hate_ him. I hate him more than Mr. potato head, and Christ knows I'm gonna kill that little bastard one of these days.

REMUS: Oh no, not the potato thing again…

LILY: Really, Sirius, more than Mr. Potato head? That much?

SIRIUS: Yeah! That much! You know, sometimes I just hate Snape so much, it makes me crazy!

JAMES: heaven forbid.

SIRIUS: I just hate him so much, I could- I could- I could _sing_!

REMUS: Don't. For the love of God, don't.

(It's too late. One of the first years, who happen to be a Disney fan, has managed to get their wand to start playing a medley if Lion King songs. Sirius sits up straight and takes his cue)

SIRIUS: (singing, much to Remus's despair.)   
_Behold the mighty gryffindors,  
We are Hogwarts Kings!_

JAMES: Yeah, and that's why the mighty Gryffindor   
Was often heard to sing…

SIRIUS: _But Slytherin, those slimy gits  
Really jerk me about!  
How can I focus on my goals while they breathe in and out?  
_JAMES: Thus far a rather uninspiring thing.

SIRIUS: _I just HATE Snape more than anything!…_

He's really very ugly,  
When's he's around I can't breathe the air  
And if that's not at all enough-   
He's never ever washed his hair!  
Oh, Snapey's just a horrible slimy git-  
He's lower than a flobberworm's shit!

REMUS: Look Sirius…_You can't just go round killing Snape-  
It's quite against the law_

SIRIUS: _I don't need advice from any werewolves first of all!_

REMUS: AAH! Oh, _Sirius_, how can you be so _insensitive_?! Aaah, oh god, I hate my life! (runs off to the dorms crying)

JAMES: Oh, look what you've done now!

__

Normally I would agree,   
but right now I'm just miffed  
Sirius, your lousy singing,   
Has sent Remus off a cliff  
So please don't ever start to sing-

SIRIUS: _I just HATE Snape more than anything!_

Every time I look right  
Every time I look left  
Every time he's around me  
Of sanity I am bereft! (Author's note: *POETIC LICENSE*)  
JAMES: No shit.

(Suddenly everyone in the common room and begins to sing)

ALL: _Let everybody go for broke and sing  
Stand up now and stop transfiguring  
The time has come for Snapey's execu-ting!_

SIRIUS: _Oh I just hate Snape more than anything! Oh I just hate Snape more than anything! I JUST HATE SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPE! MORE THAN ANYTHIIIIIIIIIIIING!_

(Sirius signs until he runs out of breath and then collapses on the couch next to James and Lily, panting.)

LILY: So. You hate Snape.

SIRIUS: Uh huh.

LILY: I never would have guessed.

(Suddenly a giant foot comes down and squashes them all ala Monty Python because I can't think of anything else to write.)

THE END


	5. Absolutely 100% disney free! Guaranteed.

WHO WILL KILL VOLDEMORT?

A collection of scenarios involving the different characters that may kill Voldemort. Suggestions? Comments? Ideas? Criticism? Review and share your wisdom with me.

*

__

If HARRY kills him…

HARRY: You killed my parents! And my friend Cedric! And a whole lot of other people! You tore fmailies lives apart just for power! You're foul and evil, and it's time for you to die! This is for my parents! AVADA KEDAVRA!

(With lots of big whooshy noises and special effects, Voldemort dies and harry does a jig in his delight.)

__

If RON kills him…

RON: Voldemort you f****** ***hole! I'm going to F****** ***** kill you! Leave my friends alone you f******* ****** ***** ********* with a melon! AVADA F******* KEDAVRA!

(With lots of big whooshy noises and special effects, Voldemort dies and Ron whoops!)

RON: F******* YEAH! Woooh!

__

If HERMIONE kills him…

HERMIONE: So, it's come to this.

VOLDY: Indeed.

HERMIONE: I wish I didn't have to.

VOLDY: Hah- you think a Mudblood like yourself can stop me? You wouldn't have the power! You can never defeat _me_, Miss Granger, and you-

HERMIONE: (quietly furious) Avada Kedvra! 

(With lots of big whooshy noises and special effects, Voldemort dies.)

HERMIONE: Hah! Mudblood indeed. 

__

If HAGRID kills him…

HAGRID: Sic him, boys!

(An army of various creatures including the giant spiders, blast ended skrewts, Norbert and fluffy attack Voldemort and he is very quickly eaten.)

HAGRID: Ar, I always knew yeh had it in yeh. C'mon, let's go have a pint.

ARAGOG: indeed. Do they serve blood at the Leaky Cauldron?

__

If SNAPE kills him…

VOLDEMORT: You mudblood loving traitor! You dare call yourself a wizard? You're no better than Dumbledore.

(Snape doesn't say anything, merely gives Voldemort one of his most death-filled looks. With lots of whooshy noises and special effects, Voldemort dies.)

SNAPE: Pah. I never liked him.

__

If McGONAGALL kills him…

McGONAGALL: You dare to threaten Albus Dumbledore? Monster!

VOLDEMORT: Ah, shove it you old hag! You were my least favourite teacher!

McGONAGALL: (gasp) Such rudeness! DETENTION! AVADE KEDAVRA!

VOLDEMORT: AIIIIIEEEEEEEE! (Dies with much screaming about what a world it is and melting noises)

__

If MALFOY kills him…

MALFOY: Stuff you, Lord Voldemort! I'm ever so rich and MY dad's a minister, not a stupid muggle like yours was! Pooh, pooh!

VOLDEMORT: Oh god, he's right! (He kills himself in absolute despair.)

MALFOY: (in manner of Mr. Burns) Excellent…

__

If FRED and GEORGE kill him…

FRED: Try and curse while you're a canary, you old bastard! Quick, george! Hit him with a brick!

GEORGE: Threaten MY brother will you? (THUNK!) Ewww! That canary's blood got on my robes!

FRED: Gross. 

__

If OLIVER WOOD kills him…

OLIVER: YAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU THREATEN MY STAR SEEKER, YOU _DIE_! I WANT HARRY ON PUDDLEMERE UNITED AS SOON AS HE'S OUT OF SCHOOL! DIE, FIEND! DIE IN THE NAME OF QUIDDITCH! (Oliver beats Voldemort to death with a broomstick.) Ahhhhh, much better.

__

If PERCY kills him…

PERCY: You realize that not only have you violated section (4c) of the Rules and regulations Regarding to respect for Wizardkind, but you have broken every rule in the Constitution for a Wizarding World at Peace, Furthermore, you have disrupted everyone schedule In the ministry. Do you realize we had to undertake a five week long search just to find you here? Not only that, you-

VOLDEMORT: oh god, just kill me already! No, wait- I'll do it. much faster. (Kills self in boredom.)

PERCY: oh. Jolly good. 

__

If NEVILLE kills him…

NEVILLE: Oh, d-d-dear, I'm not rwslly sure how to d-do this…

VOLDEMORT: Ojh, just do it and get it over with you stupid boy!

NEVILLE: N-no, I'm serious, I d-don't know how to…

VOLDEMORT: of course you do, just point your wand and say it.

NEVILLE: Say wh-what?

VOLDEMORT: You know. The curse. Avada Kedavra.

NEVILLE: I j-just don't get it!

VOLDEMORT: Look, it simple. Aim your wand at me…

NEVILLE: Yes…

VOLDEMORT: Now, repeat after me "Avada"

NEVILLE: Avada…

VOLDEMORT: "Kedavra"

NEVILLE: Kedavra! Oh! (Voldemort dies.) Whoops. He was such a nice man, too.

If you have any other character you'd like to see kill the evil Dark Lord, then review and give me your suggestions! Thanks


End file.
